Great kids

This week, I feel like the luckiest Mom alive! I have the sweetest children! It's amazing what a simple act of kindness can do for a Mom. It just reminds me that all the running around, money spent, late nights, and hard work is all worth it. I am raising children - really raising them...and hopefully helping to mold them into the wonderful souls that Heavenly Father gave them. This week, I feel like I'm doing a pretty darn good job. Because look at the gifts I've received this week:

First, Josh wrote me the most beautiful letter that included a CD with some of his favorite church songs. In the letter, he wrote his testimony of each song and why it was important to him. I cannot put into words how this touched my heart. I have always known that Josh has a beautiful testimony of the gospel and the Atonement but the fact that he was willling to share such a personal thing with me, brought tears to my eyes. The testimony was so eloquent and so touching. I listen to the songs with different ears now. And the thoughtfulness of this act was awesome, and totally unexpected. It really was so special. It's one of those things where thank you just doesn't seem like enough. It's something so tender in my heart that it is hard to put into words.

Second, I went to get in my car and found this on my window:

Do you know what that does to a Mother's heart? It melts it! It meant so much to me! My Maddy is always leaving me such sweet notes and pictures but for some reason, this one pierced my heart even more. My Mother has always been my hero, no question. But I've never been anyone's hero. That's alot to live up to. But I'm so excited to try with this sweet daughter I have to watch over.

And finally, out of nowhere, I get a random text from Jake that simply said "I love you, Mom." Such a simple thing for some people but not for Jake. Which makes it mean so much more. You know when you get something like that from Jake that he really means it. And that he's giving of himself to say it. Because it is hard for him. And I understand that. And I love him all the more for saying it. I really do. It brightened my day and even brightens me now to think of it. It made me feel like I mattered. His effort and thoughtfullness meant the world to me. I love you, too, Jake!

So as you can see, I've been a pretty spoiled Mom this week. I hope that none of them ever doubt my love for them. I love them so much that I can't describe it in words. It seems almost disrespectful to try. It's just this indescribable feeling in my heart that touches every part of my being. I know that sounds a bit dramatic but it's true. There is nothing like being a Mother and feeling that love for your children. It is tender. It is all-consuming. It is true. And I am so thankful for the privledge of experiencing it. Thanks kids.

I love you!

Mothers Who Know

"There is eternal influence and power in Motherhood."

Julie B. Beck

I love a new year with it's fresh, clean start and new motivations to start anew. And along with that, come new themes. I love this because it changes my focus and allows me to think of new possibilities. Today at church, we had the most wonderful lesson on Motherhood. The Relief Society Presidency decided to focus on this for the year to help us realize that as women, we are all mothers in one way or the other. Her lesson was loosely based on this book:

I happen to have this book and it is awesome! I have also had the pleasure of meeting this author, Ardeth Greene Kapp, as she was my friend's aunt. Interestingly, she was never able to have children of her own. But as a Mission President's wife, she "mothered" hundreds of missionaries. She is such an amazing lady!

In our lesson, the teacher referred to the Stripling Warriors of the Book of Mormon and how they were valiant and strong. They attributed their courage and keeping the commandments to the strength of their Mothers. They were faithful and believed because they knew "our Mothers knew it" (Alma 56:48). Although the responsibility of this scares me to death, it also gives my great hope to know of the influence I can have on my children if I choose to live righteously and give them the strength and anchor that they need. That's a sobering responsibility but one that is also very empowering to me! She reminded us that we need to shepherd our children, just as the Savior shepherds us- with gentle guidance (not pushing), example, and unconditional love.

A few other key points from her lesson that I have to record so I never forget are:

• We work with our Heavenly Father to raise "our" children
• Heavenly Father knows our children even better than we do. And He has a plan.
• We need to teach our children to help and serve others. Ask who needs love and compassion at this time?
• Bear testimony to your children so that they have the absolute knowledge that the Stripling Warriors did.
• And when children give you a hard time, tell them "If I don't teach you this (specific lesson, ie. family prayer) I won't go to the Celestial Kingdom. Are you okay with that??" Loved that one! :)

She also referenced the talk "Mothers Who Know" by Julie B. Beck, RS General President. I think this will forever be one of my favorite talks. A few of my favorite parts are:

• "When Mothers know who they are and who God is and have made covenants with Him, they will have great power and influence for good on their children." (I sure hope so! Because some days I wonder.)
• Mothers who know honor sacred ordinances. "They know that if they are not pointing their children to the temple, they are not pointing them toward desired eternal goals."
• "Helping growth occur through nurturing..."
• "These wise Mothers who know are selective about their own activities and involvement to conserve their limited strength in order to maximize their influence where it matters most."
• Mothers who know do less. "They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home..." "They are willing to live on less...to spend more time with their children..."
• Mothers who know stand strong and immovable.

Kathy (the teacher) closed with the thought that again, as women, all of us are mothers, regardless of our ability to have children. I am so grateful for the blessing of my children in life and that I get to be a Mother! I wouldn't trade it for anything. I want to be a Mother that knows!

"Motherhood" is a state of mind, a state of heart.

Tangled

Why is it that many important life's lessons, I learn from Disney? I'm not sure what that says about me but it seems I take away something meaningful every time I see one of their movies. I have always loved Disney movies! I love their simplicity and pureness and sharing that wonder with my children. And of course, most importantly, I love a happy ending! I've always been sappy that way. But this time, I really think Disney out-did even themselves.

Maddy and I went to see this movie about 3 weeks ago. We loved it so much, we went again yesterday while the boys went to a different movie we didn't care to see. As I watched it for the second time, new things came to me that I felt applied to my current state of life. First of all, I was so angry with Rapunzel's mother for not letting her ever leave the safety of their tower. It was so obvious to me how selfish her mother was being by not allowing her to experience the world, keeping her only to herself. But as I thought of that, I realized I have probably been alot like that in the past. I instantly remembered how scary it is to be the Mother and have to let one of your children "go" in a sense. It's especially frightening if we know they are fragile or vulnerable. Just as the movie portrays, the world can be a very scary place! Now hopefully I am not to the wicked stage that Rapunzel's mother is at in the movie, but I thought to myself that this is something that I need to continue to work out at, to be better at. It's been a long journey for me learning about parenting and free agency. I am learning how important it is to Heavenly Father's plan but it also takes a giant leap of faith for me because I want to protect my children from all those things that can hurt them. I need to continue to practice trust in a loving Heavenly Father who knows so much more than me and to place faith in my children that I love so much.

The other lesson I learned from the movie is to follow the light. For some reason, when seeing it this second time, it just hit home to me how her dream is signified by light. She shows courage and faith by following her dream, following the light. That was just such a powerful reminder to me to do the same. In the upcoming year, I hope to remember to always follow the light. If I do, I know my dream will end even more beautifully than Rapunzel's did. And as President Uchtdorf promised us in a talk earlier this year, we will all have our "happily ever after."

Toy Story 3 and Lessons of Life

I LOVED this movie!!

It always amazes me how touching Disney movies can be. They always have such great messages. Toy Story 3 was no different. I have loved the other 2 Toy Stories but this one even tops those. It is creative and funny and sentimental. And it portrayed so many things that I am feeling at this point in my life.

Both of our boys have always reminded us of Disney characters, especially when they were younger. Josh was Eeyore- very laid back and hard to ruffle, and Jake was Tigger- hyper and very energetic, he seemed to "bounce" wherever he went just like Tigger. Josh also always reminded us of Woody - loyal and caring, yet still laid back. And Jake is more like Buzz Lightyear - straight to action. Watching this movie reminded me of this all over again. As they showed old pictures of the other Toy Story movies when Andy was little, it made me wish that I had documented my children's younger years better. It continues to amaze me how memories you think you will never forget, seem to fade away so quickly. Things I loved so much that I thought I would never let go, now exist only in my heart. Now, much of my child-rearing years (at least small children) are behind me and I am my kids maturing and preparing to leave home. I think that is why I especially related to this movie because Andy is heading off to college. It is a message about letting go and moving on. And anyone that knows me, knows I do NOT like change! I struggle with it greatly. Part of it is my sentimental and sensitive personality but the other part is - I like my comfort zone. In this movie, I felt like the toys. I feel like my whole life is about my children. They are my highlight, my purpose in life and the result and reward of all my hard work. This is the way I like it. So I, like Andy's toys, have a very difficult time letting go. But once again, Disney has taught me a lesson. Letting go doesn't have to mean the end. It can actually be a whole new beginning, for everyone. Ultimately- Andy truly loved his toys, enough to let them go. Although they were all willing to sit in his attic for him to treasure occasionally, he allowed them to go so that someone else could experience his joy and his toys could be happy and have purpose. I am looking for the strength to do just that. As Josh can attest, I am not very good at it yet. I hope to get better at it or it will be a painful process for both me and my kids. But I am trying. My favorite part of the movie is when Andy's Mom gets emotional and tells him that she wishes she could always be with him. Andy answers simply, "You will be, Mom."

This is my prayer.

Movin' Out

What is wrong with this picture? The bed is made!!!

Anyone that knows my Josh knows that this doesn't not happen regularly, without alot of persuasion and reminding. Normally, I would love to go downstairs and find his bed made. But this time, it meant that he was leaving. This has left me with so many mixed emotions. He has moved out a couple of times before - once after graduation and once for a mission. But this time feels different, feels permanent. The other times, I always felt he would be back. I felt there would be other times to talk with him, to teach him, to make up for all the things I had failed to do as a Mother. But last week (Saturday), he moved in with my Grandma and my brother, who also lives there. At his age, he will more than likely not be back here to live. He is starting his own life. Separate, in a way, from mine. This small truth makes me so sad. I know this is all part of the "big plan" and I am happy that he is moving on but sad that I feel we are entering a new era. This era is hard for mothers, probably fun for their boys.

It's the moment where you have to give them wings...and hope they know how to fly.

The moment that all you are left with is prayer.

I heard the perfect poem that sums up exactly how I am feeling lately.

It is called "Do You Know Who You Are?"

Do you know who you are little child of mine, so precious and dear to me

Do you know you're a part of a great design as vast as eternity?

Can you think for a moment how much depends on you holding the iron rod?

Your life is a glory, worlds without end, do you know you're a Child of God?

Do you know where you've been little child of mine, it's hard to recall I know

Do you ever remember that place divine and a Father who loves you so?

Do you sometimes recall how he took your hand and placed it within my own?

Saying here is a child from angel land, not a gift but a precious loan

Do you know where you're going child of mine, are your eyes on the road ahead?

Do the spires of His castle gleam and shine as the sun glows of golden red

Are you taking enough for your journey, dear; does your lamp cast a steady glow?

Can you hold to the course when the storm gets rough?

You'll make it my child I know, you'll make it my child I know.

This is my prayer for each of my children, now and always.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the wonderful women in my life!

I'm sure this never happens to anyone else but Mother's Day is not always a happy day for me. Often I feel inadequate as a mother and guilty for all the things that I should be doing but that I'm not. Sadly, this year is no different. I thought after being a Mom for 20 years, I would have this thing down. I thought that I would have perfect children that loved each other, never fought, loved to be with our blissful family, and wanted nothing more to do than to go to church together on Mother's Day and spend time with me. Needless to say, that did not happen. There were still occasional jabs at each other, a couple of spats, and no one begging to go to church. But I do not fault my wonderful children. They are a product of their parents and as hard as we try, we are not the perfect leaders I had once envisioned myself being.

But to me, my kids are the perfect children. Each one of them wished me a Happy Mother's Day as soon as their eyes popped open. They are always so thoughtful to me and make my days worthwhile. Everyone of them (including my hubby) went on a walk with me to enjoy the beautiful Spring morning. (Although I did take a little slack over whether or not my walking was actually exercise or not. Hey, I'm getting old.) And every one of them brings something special to my days - Maddy, the bazillion hugs she gives me that never leaves me wondering if I am loved; Jake, the smile he brings to my face every time he teases me (in a loving way) or says something so witty that it takes me back to realize how fast he is growing up into his own person; and Josh, for the humility and sweet spirit I feel from him as he shares his love of the Savior (through music) with me. I feel so blessed to have them as my children! I love each one of them so much that sometimes it actually hurts to ever consider them leaving my little nest. I am thankful that at least for this year, I had all of them by my side. I couldn't ask for anything more.

So this year, I tried to look at Mother's Day a little different. Instead of missing my own Mom, or feeling guilty for my downfalls, or having silly expectations in my head - I decided to find true JOY throughout the day, to celebrate Motherhood! Because there is nothing I would rather be. So here are a few wonderful things about my day:

I LOVE the beautiful flowers of Spring! They just seem fresh and "motherly", don't they?

And these 2 beautiful tulips are from my cute little Ellie. Ellie is a little girl from our Primary class and she brought these for her church teachers. That sweet little gesture just made my day on Saturday.

And here is the beautiful fountain that Jeff and the kids bought me for my gift. I could sit out and listen to the water all day, it is so peaceful. Maddy also made me some darling magnets with her picture on them. What could be better than that?? She wrote me the cutest letter, too, telling me her 10 favorite things about me. My favorite was :

"I love it when she watches her big lady movies with me." How cute is that?? That's one of our favorite traditions - to rent "Chick Flicks" when the boys are out of town. It truly melted my heart! What am I going to do when I don't get these darling, handmade Elementary School gifts anymore? They are such a treasure!

And then to complete the day, Jeff showed me this nest that we have in our Blue Atlas Cedar tree. The mother has been sitting in it all weekend but as soon as I went to take a picture, she was gone (of course.) What a fun Mother's Day treat, though. Hopefully we will see babies soon.

So as you can see, I have had a fabulous Mother's Day weekend. With 3 amazing children, a good husband that cooked me dinner, and beautiful weather, what could be better? It's all in the way we look at things. I can choose to feel guilty, or choose to celebrate Motherhood. I choose to celebrate!

My Mom...Always in my Heart

"And maybe that was how it was supposed to be, how life unfolded when you lived it long enough. Joy and sadness were part of the package; the trick, perhaps, was to let yourself feel all of it, but to hold on to the joy just a little more tightly because you never knew when a strong heart could just give out.

-Winter Garden, Kristin Hannah

Today is my Mom's 65th birthday. It is also Mother's Day. The problem is, my Mother is no longer here. I know without a doubt that she is busily organizing the heavens, serving others, and spreading cheer. I know the Lord took her early for a reason...because she is special. She was the most amazing woman I've ever known. I know it's easy to immortalize those who are no longer here and remember only the good. But my Mom truly was good. She was the most selfless person I have ever known. She would truly do anything to help those she loved. It often wore her out but she worked serving others until the day she passed away. She was such an example to me for what a Christ-like person should be like. She was filled with His love and was a faithful follower to the end.

On this Mother's Day, I am so grateful to have this woman to honor - she was with me in life and continues to be in death. When my Mom died, I knew that she loved me and that she knew I loved her. That love we shared has left me with only 1 regret, and that is that my sweet children do not have her in their daily lives. But her goodness is in each of them. She has blessed their lives with her spirit. They will not forget that. We are now blessed to have this special "guardian angel" watching over our family. I strive to make her proud.

Since today is May 9th, I wanted to include 9 favorite attributes of my Mom:

1. Laugh. Her laugh was contagious. She was always nice to everyone and drew them in with her kindness and laughter.

2. Humility. My Mom never thought she was better than anyone. In fact, she often questioned herself and always wanted to make sure that she was doing all that the Lord would have her do.

3. Sense of Humor. My Mom was not one to get up and tell a joke. First of all, that would make her uncomfortable because she did not like being the center of attention. She had a sense of humor, though, nonetheless. She was self-deprecating not in a degrading way, but in a humorous way. She never took herself too seriously and know how to "lighten' situations. She could always make me giggle with her funny, quirky comments.

4. Grandma. (Okay, I'm not sure if this is an actual attribute, but it HAD to be included) My Mom was the best Grandma ever! She loved my kids as if they were her own. I never doubted her love for them and always felt at complete peace when they were with her. I knew they were as happy with her as they were with me. I can't imagine missing out on the "baby"hood of my children without my Mom being there. I am so grateful to her, for those very special moments we shared during late night feedings and all that she taught me during those crucial moments of Motherhood.

5. Reliable. This was another strength of my Mom's. If said she would do something, you knew she would do it. Part of this was made possible by her awe-inspiring organizational skills. If I needed to remember something, I would purposely tell my Mom because I knew she would write it down and remind me. We could count on her for everything... and we did.

6. Service. My Mom was a quiet, tender example of service. She was always taking food to people or doing random acts of kindness. She served all those around her but especially her family. She always served her church faithfully and was always striving to be better. Her service included unprecedented compassion. She truly "mourned with those who mourn." What a great example of love she was to all of us!

7. Fun! My Mom was a blast to be with! I loved our yearly tradition of going to Women's Conference together because I knew it would be filled with lots of Diet Coke, shopping, spirituality, laughter, and fun. What more can you want??

8. Faith. As mentioned above, my Mom was a woman of FAITH. My Mom did not have an easy life but her faith never seemed to waiver. My favorite gift I was given after she died was a statue of a woman on her knees praying. That was my Mom. In my mind, I can visualize her kneeling at her bedside. This single attribute has had such an impact in my life. Seeing her pray, I always knew there was someone watching over us. I knew there was hope.

9. Testimony. The greatest gift my Mom gave me was her testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. For years, I relied on her's and my Dad's testimonies until I fully developed my own. I am so thankful that they raised me with these inspired beliefs. She has helped me see my own divine potential through her. I hope I can always follow in her footsteps. I am so thankful for the path she set me on and the example she was. But even more, I am so grateful for the love she gave me. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be able to call her "Mother."

I love you, Mom!

Sick days

Although I hate seeing any of my children suffer, I must admit that I love "sick days." As a working mom, I sometimes feel like I miss out on opportunities to nurture my children and be there with them during the day. Sick days give me the opportunity to do just that. My Maddy has been SO sick this week with strep throat, to the point that I was in tears worrying about her high fever and her little personality being so lethargic. She was just not herself. But now that she is feeling better, I look back with fond memories of 2 days spent snuggling, watching videos, tickling her back (which is her favorite!), sleeping with her, and just loving the sickness away. I know that serving others makes you love them more and I was reminded of that again this week. Whether they are 2 or 20 (or 9), I love being able to "mother" my children. Although I hate to see them sick, it is nice when they are in a humble spirit and appreciate your every move. (Because we all know that doesn't happen very often :) For me, it brings such a sense of satisfication. I am so thankful to have these small, magical moments in my life. Moments that slow me down and remind me of what really brings me happiness. How thankful I am for the simple things in life! Sometimes the small things in life are those that bring the greatest peace.

Perspective

I have been thinking about the trials of life alot lately. We all have them. Some are private, some are public. Some are personal, some are shared. Some have an end in sight and unfortunately, some are ongoing...and going...and going. But we all have them. This life is hard! It's supposed to be that way.

It never ceases to amaze me how 1 day, 1 event, 1 phone call can change our lives. And with those changes, comes instant perspective. Perspective about what matters most in our lives, about what we came to this earth to accomplish. When trials hit, suddenly all those things I used to worry about seem so silly -what we are going to eat for dinner, what time I have to get kids to ballet, soccer, or whatever, what I am going to wear to the Gala on Friday night (that I don't even want to go to, but have to for work) - all of this suddenly seems so unimportant. It is funny, though, how I seem to save a lot of money during these times as my life changes from reactive to reflective. (I'm trying to look at the good side :) As hard as difficult times can be, I am so thankful for them. They have made me who I am and who I am supposed to become. They make be want to try harder and be better.

When I decided on my word for 2010 - proactive - I had no idea how much that would mean. I thought it meant trying to be better and do more, to avoid letting life pass me by as I merely "survived" as a Mother. I wanted to plan ahead, work hard, and do great things! I wanted to have better Family Home Evenings, birthdays, more meaningful conversations with my children, be their listening ear and their shelter from the storm. I wanted to be proactive as a Mom so my children could look back on wonderful memories of their childhood and never wonder if I loved them or if they were the center of my universe. They would know! I wanted to do more than survive the chaos and busyness of this time of life, I wanted to enjoy the journey. Little did I know what the Lord had in store for me. I didn't know that he would "help" me in my quest to be a better Mom, to be proactive. I didn't know that being proactive would mean fighting to protect and lead my children. I didn't know it would mean teaching them that all, and I mean all that matters in this life is our family and our relationship with the Lord. Without that, we are nothing. It is why we are here. We must learn that what other people think of us or our family is not important, that whatever trials we may face, that the way through them is through the Spirit and through our relationship with our Father in Heaven. He is the one that can get us to where we need to be. He is the solution to our problems. So that is my quest. I am taking proactive to the next level. I'm not sure how. But I am going to rise to the occasion and be what I need to be for my family, whatever that is. It is worth the time, it is worth the effort, it is the only way to happiness and I know this to be true.

Life is a journey

"You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to great heights. You won't lag behind because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best. Wherever you go you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't. Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done." -Dr. Seuss

Sometimes (in fact more often than not, in my life) our lives take unexpected turns. My life has once again, taken an unexpected turn. "Oh the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss has been my favorite book for as long as I can remember. I think it was written about me. You see, I am a planner. I like to have a plan. I like to think it through, plan it out and dream about it. But sometimes, I mess up and often ruin my own brilliant plans. So I have become especially good at planning for other people. I'm especially good about planning for my children. I have such high hopes and expectations for them. I know exactly what they need to do to have a happy life and be good people. I have thought about it, planned it out, and dreamed about it. I thought this is what a good mom does. But as I get older and my children get older, I am learning.

I am learning that they may have different dreams.

That they may have limititations that I forgot to include in my plan.

That they are not me.

I am learning that they are on their own journey. And that's okay.

As my children get older, I am learning that my role is no longer to lead them, but maybe just to walk gently beside them. And as much as I want to control their destiny so I can assure their happiness, this is not right. It's not about me anymore. As good as my intentions are, they need to walk their own path to find out what their happiness is. This is not an easy lesson to learn. I am doing homework every day. I want to shield my family from the harsh realities and sadness of this world. But if I do this, they will not be strengthened for the next trial that may come along when I cannot be there to protect. So I am trying to let go. I am trying to have faith-faith in them, faith in myself and faith in God. I am trying to let them find their own path to happiness and just loving them with every footstep. I have no problems with the loving part. It's the faith that scares me. But I continue to pray that I can love my children enough to let them go, to be themselves, to follow their own dreams.

Because life is a learning process, life is a journey...

It's the "Little" Things That Count

I was talking to my brother and telling him that I was not as good of a Mother as I would like to be and that I was really trying to be better. In particular, we were talking about my cooking skills (or lack of) and how I would like to cook my children better home-cooked meals. He taught me a very important lesson. He told me that whenever he thought of our Mom, he never remembers what meals she cooked. The thing he remembers are the dinners they shared together, just the 2 of them, just talking. He said he didn't care if it was a home-cooked meal or one she had him pick up at a drive-thru, he just enjoyed being with her and talking. Since she has passed away, those are his favorite memories - the "little things," as he put it. How true that is. I feel the same way. She did many HUGE things for us but she also did hundreds of little things that added up to mean so much. I have heard that children will not remember certain lessons we have taught them or events that we have planned, but that they will remember the way we made them feel. That is what memories are made of, the "little things." So treasure every one.

Today, I love the following "little" things in my life:

• Reading scriptures with my kids every morning
• Waving good-bye to Maddy each morning from the Living Room window
• Coming home after a long day at work and seeing my children dutifully doing their homework
• Singing Hannah Montana songs in the car with Maddy and her friends on the way to Ballet
• Looking up Jake's grades on the Internet to find that he has over 100% in several classes
• Weekly letters from my missionary
• Listening to 'songs from the 80's' on Jake's iPod in the car with him...LOUDLY
• Getting a note from Maddy's teacher saying that she has no missing assignments
• Sitting in the hot tub with the whole family on a cold night
• Spring walks with my honey(s) as the weather begins to warm up...FINALLY!

Just to name a few. I am so thankful for these small things that add up to be so much! I hope my family feels the same and treasures the "little" moments we share together. As I have learned with the passing of my Mom, life is short. Make every moment count!

Working Woes

I have decided that 2010 is my "Pursuit of Happiness" (and peace, and perfect mothering, and organization, etc. etc. etc.) I have really tried to look inside myself and decide what truly makes me happy and what I want my next 40 years to be like. I have read books, attended lectures, read blogs, read scriptures, and spent alot of time just reflecting on what is important to me. The good news is, I know what makes me happy and what brings me the most inner peace - being a mother, building our home and family, and creating memories. The bad news is, I can't do it full-time. Everything that has energized me, brought excitement, and compelled me to want to pursue further, revolves around my family - being a better wife, mother, cook, photographer, graphic designer (to preserve memories), teacher, etc. Reading and studying these things have truly re-energized me and made me actually want to be domestic. (Anyone who knows me well at all is laughing at this point, but it's true.) They have made me want to be better and helped me realize those things I really want to improve on.

But then yesterday, discouragement hit, as I realized that being the mother I want to be, to the extent I want to be it, is probably not possible for me at this time. Sadly, we have not raised those millions of dollars I had hoped to by now. So, although I feel extremely blessed with the wonderful job I have and the amazing people that I work with, I am sad to think of how much more I could have at home. Home feels so much loftier, such a more worthy cause. So for all of you out there that are lucky enough to stay home with your beautiful kids surrounding you, be thankful! Good days and bad, be thankful. I know the grass always seems greener and that days can seem long when you are fulfilling everyone else's needs but your own, but savor every moment. It is for a wonderful cause and there is nothing better that you could me doing. Nothing. As for me, I will continue to be thankful that I have a job, a good job. I have a wonderful family that supports me and loves me in spite of crazy mornings, being shushed through constant phone calls, emailing through movies, conference calls in my closet (for quiet), cold dinners (or sometimes lack of dinners), and a mom that is sometimes not as "perky" as she should be. I am thankful that in spite of my job, I can at least get my kids on the bus in the mornings, volunteer in the classroom (occasionally), taxi them to appointments, be home to serve those not-so-fancy dinners (usually on paper plates, I might add), and still be home to kiss their cute faces good -night at the end of each day. (Except Jake, who is in to a hand-shake lately. Of course, this is just to tease his mom.) For now, this is my life and I will make the most of it. (Even if it is a fraction of what those "other moms" do :) My theory is that the Lord sent me extra special children that can survive the trauma of having a working mom. I will continue to do the best I can do and even try to sneak in a bit more, because they are my priority. They are what brings me peace. Hopefully this new realization of time that I have developed, will help me spend the little time I do have on the things that matter most. THAT is what truly brings be happiness! My things that matter most are those 4 faces I come home to each day. (Well 3 for now, but you know who I mean) Thank you to my husband and wonderful children who bear it all with me, on both good days and bad. With them, I know we can get through anything!

Driving Miss Daisy

Or Missy Daisy Driving? Since when did my "baby" start driving the 4-wheeler? This is strange to see for several reasons: 1- she is not supposed to drive, 2- they are not wearing their helmet(much to Mom's dismay), 3- Maddy is a total "girly" girl. She loves anything that sparkles, glitters, or shines; anything that is sweet, fluffy, cute, or has pretty colors. She is all about cupcakes and ice cream cones right now (as reflected in her art work.) In fact, she just started her own blog , calling herself Sugar Daisy. She is truly "sugar & spice, and everything nice." So to see her with this big of a smile on a 4-wheeler (dirty, loud, stinky fumes, etc.) surprises me, even more than the fact that she's driving. She is growing up!

It's amazing to me how I can see the changes of life in our family through a 4-wheeler. We started buying 4-wheelers about 7 years ago because after buying one, just to plow the driveway, Josh fell in love with them. So we thought with 2 boys (and a Dad that loves anything with a motor) that it would be a fun family activity to spend time together. Now, I can look back over the years through pictures and see the stages of my children's growth. First- Josh driving with Jake on back, then Jake graduating to be a driver, and now by girly-girl, Maddy, at the wheel. How time flies! Life motors on. I am so blessed to be the mother of these amazing kids!

To me, this has been a perfect Friday afternoon. I snuck (is that a word?) home from work a bit early, it's 50 degrees outside, and I walk in the door to find my 14-year old doing his homework. Did I mention it was Friday? I can't tell you the peace that brings to this Mom! I never have to worry about this particular child getting his homework done and consequently, he always gets awesome grades. I am so proud of him and the choices he is making. He really brings stability to my life - Jake is unwavering in his resolution to do his best. It has been so fun to watch him this year as he continues to work hard, read his scriptures daily, and constantly try to do the right things. For this reason, I know he will be successful and hope he feels the benefits of his hard work.

Like I said, between this, seeing the two 4-wheeling buddies enjoying some time together, and knowing that my oldest son is working hard to serve the Lord on his mission, I am feeling like one lucky Mom. Today, I am enjoying every moment.

40! And beyond

Believe it or not, I am finally starting a blog! Turning 40 this year has made me realize how short life really is. I heard a great quote that I absolutely love - "The days are long but the years are short." Where does the time go? I still felt like a relatively young Mom when I realized I am officially in middle-age!! My oldest son is away from home, serving a mission. My second is over half way through Junior High and my "baby" is soon to hit double digits. These 3 facts alone mean the days of my "youth" are long gone. But I think it is when my husband and I started "borrowing" other people's children to hold at church, that I realized that I am in a whole new phase. When you are the age that you remember your parents being, it is time to become who you really want to be. Don't get me wrong, I have loved every minute to this point. I have treasured each stage that my children have passed through. My only regret is that I have not documented the memories as well as I should have. When you are living through it, you think you will never forget who said or did what. But the years make the memories fade. I don't want to let that happen. I want to remember every wonderful step they take so that I can hold on to it and cherish it long after they are grown. I've always told myself that when I had more time, I would do this with my kids, or I would go there, or be that. I have come to realize the time is now. There are so many memories that I wish I would have captured, so many good intentions that went by the wayside, so many things I wish I would have done differently. But life is a journey and I am still learning as I go along. So I invite you along for the ride. Although I wish I would have had this blogging tool when my children were younger, there is no time like the present. Although I missed documenting their first steps, their funny comments, and all the tiny miracles in between, it is my hope that I can capture the magic of every day moments from this point forward. Although I feel like I their childhoods were gone in the blink of an eye, I don't want to miss one more minute of documenting what wonderful spirits are unfolding right before my eyes! To those of you just starting out I would say enjoy each moment, no matter how tiring. The diapers, spitting up, runny noses, lack of sleep and even fighing with brothers and sisters, lasts only a moment. You will never regret the time spent with these little angels. Even your hardest challenges will become wonderful memories. To those of you like me, who long to turn the clock back- make the most of your time now. Become who you have always wanted to be. And remember, that true happiness comes in the journey, not the destination.