Working Woes

I have decided that 2010 is my "Pursuit of Happiness" (and peace, and perfect mothering, and organization, etc. etc. etc.) I have really tried to look inside myself and decide what truly makes me happy and what I want my next 40 years to be like. I have read books, attended lectures, read blogs, read scriptures, and spent alot of time just reflecting on what is important to me. The good news is, I know what makes me happy and what brings me the most inner peace - being a mother, building our home and family, and creating memories. The bad news is, I can't do it full-time. Everything that has energized me, brought excitement, and compelled me to want to pursue further, revolves around my family - being a better wife, mother, cook, photographer, graphic designer (to preserve memories), teacher, etc. Reading and studying these things have truly re-energized me and made me actually want to be domestic. (Anyone who knows me well at all is laughing at this point, but it's true.) They have made me want to be better and helped me realize those things I really want to improve on.

But then yesterday, discouragement hit, as I realized that being the mother I want to be, to the extent I want to be it, is probably not possible for me at this time. Sadly, we have not raised those millions of dollars I had hoped to by now. So, although I feel extremely blessed with the wonderful job I have and the amazing people that I work with, I am sad to think of how much more I could have at home. Home feels so much loftier, such a more worthy cause. So for all of you out there that are lucky enough to stay home with your beautiful kids surrounding you, be thankful! Good days and bad, be thankful. I know the grass always seems greener and that days can seem long when you are fulfilling everyone else's needs but your own, but savor every moment. It is for a wonderful cause and there is nothing better that you could me doing. Nothing. As for me, I will continue to be thankful that I have a job, a good job. I have a wonderful family that supports me and loves me in spite of crazy mornings, being shushed through constant phone calls, emailing through movies, conference calls in my closet (for quiet), cold dinners (or sometimes lack of dinners), and a mom that is sometimes not as "perky" as she should be. I am thankful that in spite of my job, I can at least get my kids on the bus in the mornings, volunteer in the classroom (occasionally), taxi them to appointments, be home to serve those not-so-fancy dinners (usually on paper plates, I might add), and still be home to kiss their cute faces good -night at the end of each day. (Except Jake, who is in to a hand-shake lately. Of course, this is just to tease his mom.) For now, this is my life and I will make the most of it. (Even if it is a fraction of what those "other moms" do :) My theory is that the Lord sent me extra special children that can survive the trauma of having a working mom. I will continue to do the best I can do and even try to sneak in a bit more, because they are my priority. They are what brings me peace. Hopefully this new realization of time that I have developed, will help me spend the little time I do have on the things that matter most. THAT is what truly brings be happiness! My things that matter most are those 4 faces I come home to each day. (Well 3 for now, but you know who I mean) Thank you to my husband and wonderful children who bear it all with me, on both good days and bad. With them, I know we can get through anything!