Lessons Learned

I have had several people ask me why I have decided to start a blog. I used to wonder the same thing about other people. I wondered who would care about my crazy life. And in the end, maybe nobody will. But for me, I am using it as a journal, a documentation of my existence - of my thoughts and feelings, lessons learned, and hopefully a few bits of wisdom. I figured at least one day my children and future grandchildren might be interested in reading it, right? Hopefully, in some small way, it will help them. Hopefully it will give them a glimpse of the person I am and the person I am trying to become and maybe they can learn from my mistakes.

I have thought long and hard about what should be shared in a journal. Do I list all my feelings - good and bad, no matter who might be affected by them? That seems selfish and careless to me. But sometimes I feel the need to put my feelings into words, to sort them all out in my mind, to help me wrap my arms around the issue at hand. It seems wrong, though, to permanently record negative feelings about someone or something. I mean, isn't it bad enough that we have to go through it the first time? And what if it hurt someone down the road? or painted a picture of someone that is no longer accurate? And yet I don't want people to read my journal or my blog and only see the "rosy" days and never truly know who I am. The trials I have been through have made me who I am today, they are a part of me. I once heard that sometimes it is best to leave the bad memories behind, and take the lessons we have learned with us. That is what I have chosen to do. That is what I hope to do by recording my thoughts. I feel that some things, both good and bad, are best left in our hearts-just for us. Some memories are either so painful or so wonderful that writing them down could never do them justice. So I choose to take only the good forward, and hopefully convert the bad into lessons learned. This is certainly not to say my life is always "peachy." I feel like I have had more than my share of trials. But I have learned that trials "invent" us. They have certainly made me a stronger person. They have also aged me and made me feel (and look) exhausted and "used up" at times. But they have also made me see the person that I want to be. I have learned that I need trials to refine me into that person. I have experienced such trials over the past couple of years. I am not yet (and don't think I will ever be :) at the point where I can say that I am thankful that I went through that. But I can mostly definitely say that I am thankful for the person it is molding me into. These trials have made me want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person. I have a clear perspective of the person I want to be and the life I want to lead.

I had lunch with a very dear friend last week and I always leave her presence a better person. (Thanks, Sherry!) Somehow she is able to put things in perspective for me. She is so down to earth and keeps life "real." She has made me realize that I can't change others, no matter how lofty my goals for them are, I can only change myself. That is often a difficult and painful lesson to learn. I think we want the best for the people in our lives and being the control-freak that I am, I want to make sure that happens. But I am learning that that is not our Heavenly Father's plan for us. He loves us and trusts us so much that he has given us free agency. (Since having children, I have lovingly and respectfully referred to this as the "F" word.) I am learning that the only person I can (and should) change, is myself. That is our purpose for being here - to become better, to become like Him. Trials help us to do that. I need to spend less time trying to "fix" others and spend more time working on myself. I hope that my experiences have made me a more Christ-like, less judgemental person. If nothing else, they have helped me catch a glimpse of the woman, the Mother, that I would like to be. For now, trying to become that person, should keep me plenty busy.

Today I heard a quote that I loved. It says, "Life is an adventure but it wouldn't be an adventure without dragons." How true that is - Life is truly an adventure! We just need to learn how to slay our dragons. I'm trying!