It's the "Little" Things That Count

I was talking to my brother and telling him that I was not as good of a Mother as I would like to be and that I was really trying to be better. In particular, we were talking about my cooking skills (or lack of) and how I would like to cook my children better home-cooked meals. He taught me a very important lesson. He told me that whenever he thought of our Mom, he never remembers what meals she cooked. The thing he remembers are the dinners they shared together, just the 2 of them, just talking. He said he didn't care if it was a home-cooked meal or one she had him pick up at a drive-thru, he just enjoyed being with her and talking. Since she has passed away, those are his favorite memories - the "little things," as he put it. How true that is. I feel the same way. She did many HUGE things for us but she also did hundreds of little things that added up to mean so much. I have heard that children will not remember certain lessons we have taught them or events that we have planned, but that they will remember the way we made them feel. That is what memories are made of, the "little things." So treasure every one.

Today, I love the following "little" things in my life:

• Reading scriptures with my kids every morning
• Waving good-bye to Maddy each morning from the Living Room window
• Coming home after a long day at work and seeing my children dutifully doing their homework
• Singing Hannah Montana songs in the car with Maddy and her friends on the way to Ballet
• Looking up Jake's grades on the Internet to find that he has over 100% in several classes
• Weekly letters from my missionary
• Listening to 'songs from the 80's' on Jake's iPod in the car with him...LOUDLY
• Getting a note from Maddy's teacher saying that she has no missing assignments
• Sitting in the hot tub with the whole family on a cold night
• Spring walks with my honey(s) as the weather begins to warm up...FINALLY!

Just to name a few. I am so thankful for these small things that add up to be so much! I hope my family feels the same and treasures the "little" moments we share together. As I have learned with the passing of my Mom, life is short. Make every moment count!

Lessons Learned

I have had several people ask me why I have decided to start a blog. I used to wonder the same thing about other people. I wondered who would care about my crazy life. And in the end, maybe nobody will. But for me, I am using it as a journal, a documentation of my existence - of my thoughts and feelings, lessons learned, and hopefully a few bits of wisdom. I figured at least one day my children and future grandchildren might be interested in reading it, right? Hopefully, in some small way, it will help them. Hopefully it will give them a glimpse of the person I am and the person I am trying to become and maybe they can learn from my mistakes.

I have thought long and hard about what should be shared in a journal. Do I list all my feelings - good and bad, no matter who might be affected by them? That seems selfish and careless to me. But sometimes I feel the need to put my feelings into words, to sort them all out in my mind, to help me wrap my arms around the issue at hand. It seems wrong, though, to permanently record negative feelings about someone or something. I mean, isn't it bad enough that we have to go through it the first time? And what if it hurt someone down the road? or painted a picture of someone that is no longer accurate? And yet I don't want people to read my journal or my blog and only see the "rosy" days and never truly know who I am. The trials I have been through have made me who I am today, they are a part of me. I once heard that sometimes it is best to leave the bad memories behind, and take the lessons we have learned with us. That is what I have chosen to do. That is what I hope to do by recording my thoughts. I feel that some things, both good and bad, are best left in our hearts-just for us. Some memories are either so painful or so wonderful that writing them down could never do them justice. So I choose to take only the good forward, and hopefully convert the bad into lessons learned. This is certainly not to say my life is always "peachy." I feel like I have had more than my share of trials. But I have learned that trials "invent" us. They have certainly made me a stronger person. They have also aged me and made me feel (and look) exhausted and "used up" at times. But they have also made me see the person that I want to be. I have learned that I need trials to refine me into that person. I have experienced such trials over the past couple of years. I am not yet (and don't think I will ever be :) at the point where I can say that I am thankful that I went through that. But I can mostly definitely say that I am thankful for the person it is molding me into. These trials have made me want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better person. I have a clear perspective of the person I want to be and the life I want to lead.

I had lunch with a very dear friend last week and I always leave her presence a better person. (Thanks, Sherry!) Somehow she is able to put things in perspective for me. She is so down to earth and keeps life "real." She has made me realize that I can't change others, no matter how lofty my goals for them are, I can only change myself. That is often a difficult and painful lesson to learn. I think we want the best for the people in our lives and being the control-freak that I am, I want to make sure that happens. But I am learning that that is not our Heavenly Father's plan for us. He loves us and trusts us so much that he has given us free agency. (Since having children, I have lovingly and respectfully referred to this as the "F" word.) I am learning that the only person I can (and should) change, is myself. That is our purpose for being here - to become better, to become like Him. Trials help us to do that. I need to spend less time trying to "fix" others and spend more time working on myself. I hope that my experiences have made me a more Christ-like, less judgemental person. If nothing else, they have helped me catch a glimpse of the woman, the Mother, that I would like to be. For now, trying to become that person, should keep me plenty busy.

Today I heard a quote that I loved. It says, "Life is an adventure but it wouldn't be an adventure without dragons." How true that is - Life is truly an adventure! We just need to learn how to slay our dragons. I'm trying!

Happy St. Patty's Day

Okay, I'm one day late but yesterday was so crazy, start to finish, that there was no way I had time to do one more thing.

In staying with my goal of trying to create more traditions for our family and also trying to be a more "fun" Mom, I decided to wake up early and make the kids pancakes before work...GREEN pancakes.

I was going to make "Green Eggs & Ham" but my son hates eggs so I thought I better stick with pancakes. My daughter asked if I used food coloring to make them green and my son, in his typical sarcastic fashion said, "No, Mom just barfed on them." Sadly, that is exactly how they looked! Eeewww!

And these are my cute children eating off of paper plates. Yes, we are a paper plate family. I often have lofty goals of setting a beautiful holiday table but at 6:00 in the morning, I'm just proud of myself for getting the pancakes made! I even made homemade coconut syrup to go with them, so that's a bonus (and totally unlike me.) Plus, it's only St. Patrick's Day, right? It's not like it's Christmas morning!

And I had to include these cute pictures of Maddy's hair. Trust me, it was NOT without it's drama! I thought it looked darling, especially the 4-leaf clover on the back, but when she looked in the mirror she was almost in tears. She thought that from the front, it looked like she has horns. I could tell she was almost in tears but after taking 30 minutes to do this "do", there was no time to change. So we assured her she looked fabulous and we sent her on her way. Hopefully no one made fun of her. (You know how cruel kids can be.)

After school, we took the kids to an Irish restaurant named MacCool's. This has evolved into being a tradition for us. I think we have gone there the past 3 (or 4) years on St. Patrick's Day. The kids love it! Nothing like a bit o' Irish food to get you in the spirit. So, it has been a good day. These "fun" things may take a little extra work, but they are worth it. That way, when my kids look back on their childhood, maybe they will remember these good things, instead of remembering that their mom was sometimes late, often tired, and always a bit crazy. Today, I feel truly "lucky" to share these moments with my family!

Mondays

Monday's used to be my least favorite day of the week - having to go back to school and work, all while the house is still a disaster left over from a weekend of "family fun." Uugghh!! In fact, I often start getting ornery on Sunday nights, just thinking of the pending mayhem. In addition, family night is on Monday nights which adds to the pressure of having a million things to do and not enough time to do them on the first day of the week. Now there are, of course, many proactive things I could do that would help make Mondays easier and make me a happier person. But hard as I try, they never seem to work. But now, I have a bright spot in my day. My son is on a mission. Now Mondays are "fun" days because I get to hear from him. He is serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and his preparation day is on Mondays. This is the day that he is allowed to email his family and let them know about his week. This is truly a highlight for me! He has always been quite independent so I didn't know I would miss him this much. But there is definitely something missing from your family when one of the family members is absent for an extended period of time. Mondays allow us to feel of his presence and share in his life. He is doing great right now and I am so proud of him! I am so thankful that he has chosen this for his life right now. It is such a selfless act of service and he is growing so much everyday! Following is a brief excerpt from this week's letter (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned):

My thought for this week is from Robert D. Hales. "With your own testimony of God, you will be able to bless your family, your posterity, your friends, your own life - all those you love. Your personal knowledge of God is not only the greatest gift you will ever give, but it will bring you the greatest joy you will ever have."
Me and Elder ... were talking about the growing we have had on our missions and how it really is us that has changed the most. We are beginning to see the big picture of things much better than usual. Its really cool to see. Its amazing in 7 months how much my attitude towards some things has changed. It really is testimony of this church that is everything to us. And it really does bless you and everyone around you.
I pray everyone will have a great week.

He is growing so much every week and really loving the people in the area where he is serving. Aren't I lucky to be his Mom? I'm so happy that he has brought some sunshine to my dreary Mondays. Keep up the good work, Josh! We love you.

Working Woes

I have decided that 2010 is my "Pursuit of Happiness" (and peace, and perfect mothering, and organization, etc. etc. etc.) I have really tried to look inside myself and decide what truly makes me happy and what I want my next 40 years to be like. I have read books, attended lectures, read blogs, read scriptures, and spent alot of time just reflecting on what is important to me. The good news is, I know what makes me happy and what brings me the most inner peace - being a mother, building our home and family, and creating memories. The bad news is, I can't do it full-time. Everything that has energized me, brought excitement, and compelled me to want to pursue further, revolves around my family - being a better wife, mother, cook, photographer, graphic designer (to preserve memories), teacher, etc. Reading and studying these things have truly re-energized me and made me actually want to be domestic. (Anyone who knows me well at all is laughing at this point, but it's true.) They have made me want to be better and helped me realize those things I really want to improve on.

But then yesterday, discouragement hit, as I realized that being the mother I want to be, to the extent I want to be it, is probably not possible for me at this time. Sadly, we have not raised those millions of dollars I had hoped to by now. So, although I feel extremely blessed with the wonderful job I have and the amazing people that I work with, I am sad to think of how much more I could have at home. Home feels so much loftier, such a more worthy cause. So for all of you out there that are lucky enough to stay home with your beautiful kids surrounding you, be thankful! Good days and bad, be thankful. I know the grass always seems greener and that days can seem long when you are fulfilling everyone else's needs but your own, but savor every moment. It is for a wonderful cause and there is nothing better that you could me doing. Nothing. As for me, I will continue to be thankful that I have a job, a good job. I have a wonderful family that supports me and loves me in spite of crazy mornings, being shushed through constant phone calls, emailing through movies, conference calls in my closet (for quiet), cold dinners (or sometimes lack of dinners), and a mom that is sometimes not as "perky" as she should be. I am thankful that in spite of my job, I can at least get my kids on the bus in the mornings, volunteer in the classroom (occasionally), taxi them to appointments, be home to serve those not-so-fancy dinners (usually on paper plates, I might add), and still be home to kiss their cute faces good -night at the end of each day. (Except Jake, who is in to a hand-shake lately. Of course, this is just to tease his mom.) For now, this is my life and I will make the most of it. (Even if it is a fraction of what those "other moms" do :) My theory is that the Lord sent me extra special children that can survive the trauma of having a working mom. I will continue to do the best I can do and even try to sneak in a bit more, because they are my priority. They are what brings me peace. Hopefully this new realization of time that I have developed, will help me spend the little time I do have on the things that matter most. THAT is what truly brings be happiness! My things that matter most are those 4 faces I come home to each day. (Well 3 for now, but you know who I mean) Thank you to my husband and wonderful children who bear it all with me, on both good days and bad. With them, I know we can get through anything!

2009 Highlights

I realize that it is now March of 2010 but since I am just starting this blogging thing and my intent is to use it as my journal, I thought it would be fun to include our family highlights from 2009. This is something I like to do for my kids scrapbooks at the end of each school year. So here goes. (At least what I can remember, with the help of Maddy) It may be a bit long because 2009 was quite a year for us:

• Disneyland- We wanted to take a fun vacation together as a family before Josh left on his mission. This is where he said he would like to go. So for Christmas 2008, the kids got surprised with plane tickets and a Disneyland vacation. We left January 18, 2009. What a great way to start a year!
• Jeff's sister, Tina, has a new baby girl named Thea.
• Jeff & I continue to love our walks together. Sometimes we have kids, usually on scooters. Sometimes it's just us.
• Maddy continues to take Ballet. This year we added her friend, Emilie, to the carpool, along with her and Lindsee.
• Soccer begins. Both Jake and Maddy play during the Spring so it keeps our Saturdays hoppin.
• My dad, Rick Mayfield, gets remarried to Sharon (Shay) Fitzgerald in the Bountiful, UT Temple. (March 26, 2009) It's a whole new world!
• Maddy's 3rd grade program: "Traveling through the Continents" (They learned a song for each continent.) So cute!
• Jake continues to get awesome grades.
• Shopping trips to Park City. It's been fun because Maddy is starting to like shopping trips as much as me. (Well, if it's for HER, she likes shopping trips.) Having 2 boys before her, this is not something I am used to. In the past, I have had to sneak up there by myself.
• In April, Jeff, Josh, & Jake went on a four-wheeling trip to the San Rafael Swell with Barry Burton and family. They had blast, snow and all!
• Maddy & I discovered hair blogs. I'll take all the help I can get when it comes to doing hair.
• Josh continues to work at Pepperbelly's.
• We continue to make several Taco Time runs per month. Some nights, that's just as good as it gets with a working mom. For some reason, that seems to be the place of choice right now. It sure beats Happy Meals!
• In May, Josh receives his mission call to the Georgia Atlanta North Mission. How cool is that?? Actually, not very because he leaves at the hottest time of the year - August 12, 2009. We are so excited for him! He's worked so hard to get to this point.
• Maddy had her very first piano recital in May and she did awesome! She has played the piano since she was 7 but due to her piano teacher having a baby last year, this was her first recital. She played 2 songs and on 1 of them, she even had to cross one hand over the other. She looked beautiful!
• The kids and I continue our tradition of getting treats after every Doctor appointment. All of their doctors are located at the hospital so we always have to go to the Pharmacy or the Gift Shop on our way out to grab a treat. Yes, even the older ones. :)
• Josh continues to make me smile with his laid-back personality and his constant sense of humor. I am going to miss that kid! Especially that grin he always gets when he's in a good mood. (You know exactly which one I'm talking about, Josh)
• Jake continues to like the same girl he has all year. I won't put her name or he will be very upset with me. His mom still thinks he is too young to be liking girls! (Of course)
• Maddy loves to go to the Mall with Mom now. Well, as long as we are going to one of her stores - Justice, Gymboree, or Crazy 8's. Her favorite part, though, is going to Mrs. Fields to get a cookie after. That, in itself, is becoming quite a tradition. Is there a "food" theme developing here? It is true, I love to eat! Especially stuff that is not good for me.
• Jake is past the point of needing to be tucked in and giving his mom hugs. How did this happen? It seems like just yesterday that he loved me to come up and tuck him in so he could tell me about his day. Now, it actually bothers him when I do, saying he does not need to be tucked in. Very sad.
• In May, Jeff & I went to St. George with friends (Fuhrimans and Jensens) to Tuacahn. We saw the comedian Brian Regan and had a great time exploring beautiful Southern Utah.
• Jeff & I continue to teach Primary. Luckily, we teach Maddy's class so that keeps Jeff happy.
• Jake finished 7th grade with a 4.0! Great job, Jake! We are so proud of you.
• 3 of Maddy's friend's moms (and me) started a little Arts & Crafts group for the girls called "Apron Strings." This seems strange for me since I barely cook and don't sew. But we had alot of fun making "Mother" scrapbook/photo albums. Other fun things they did were making hair bows/flowers/barrettes, pulling taffy, wood projects, and doing needlepoint and making their own pillows. Maddy had a blast with Lindsee, Olivia, and Megan. Thanks to Sheri for the great idea!
• Maddy had her Ballet Recital in June at the Browning Center at WSU. This year, her dance theme was Saltair, as they celebrated the special spots of Utah.
• We took our last family trip (well at least our full family) to our family cabin in Island Park over the 4th of July. Josh wanted to go there one more time before leaving. I guess it will be 2 full years before the 5 of us will there together again. We went four-wheeling and had a great trip with Jeff's sister, TeriLyn, and her family. It was alot of boys!
• Maddy loves to see Jeff give me kisses or hugs. This is a major difference between girls and boys because the boys get completely grossed out by it and Maddy loves it.
• Sadly, Maddy doesn't call me "Mama" anymore. It was the last little shred of being a "little" girl and it has now faded into the past, much to her Mother's dismay.
• We continue to try and enhance our Family Home Evenings. For us, this means actually having FHE. Although we are not as consistent as we should be, we are improving. It helps to have a future missionary in the family because if all else fails, we just make him give us a "Preach my Gospel" lesson. I think he will make a great missionary!
• Jake enjoyed his last Scout Camp as a Deacon. Jeff went along to share in the fun for the last time. (He has survived alot of Scout Camps!)
• In July, Jake started football - yea! Each year, this is a highlight of our summer. Although Jake doesn't love the training part in the dead heat of the summer, he is obsessed with this sport! He lives and breathes football this time of the year and man, it is contagious! I did not think I would ever get into football like I have. In fact, I never wanted him to play football and let him start when he was 8-years old, only in hopes that it would "get it out of his system." Plan failed. He has loved it since his first touchdown. And I love watching him! It is truly a highlight for me watching him do something he loves so much. I am totally the crazy mom running along the sidelines with all the men. I am working on this problem and hope to be better this year. I just can't help it. It's a blast!
• August 9, 2009 Josh's 1995 gold Saturn car is stolen out of our driveway, along with the majority of his earthly possessions.
• August 9, 2009 Car recovered 1 mile away from our house. Most possessions not recovered.
• August 10, 2009 Mom and Josh go shopping to replace all of the mission supplies that were stolen out of Josh's car.
• August 12, 2009 Josh enters the Mission Training Center in Provo, UT. VERY difficult day, yet we couldn't be happier? Does that make sense. I'm sure it does to all of you out there who have sent a son/brother/friend on a mission. We are so proud of him!
• Jake FINALLY gets rewarded for his good grades by taking over Josh's spot on the cell phone bill. He got a brand new phone, an Envy Touch.
• My brother, Chad, and his wife, Lori had their twin baby boys - Matthew Richard and Max Russell. They were premature but luckily, they are doing well.
• Maddy continues to color pictures and write us poems and sweet notes. She is definitely creative and loves Art. She also loves to make people feel good so her notes and cards she makes us are the perfect combination.
• Both kids have totally boycotted school lunch this year. I used to encourage the "hot" lunch at school since they have a working mother that doesn't get a "hot" meal on the table every night. :( After eating birthday lunch at school with Jake one time, I understood the boycot.
• Our morning routine is still chaotic but is definitely getting a bit better as the kids get older. Luckily, Jake is good to get himself up, although he does like company once he gets out of the shower and downstairs for breakfast. Maddy, on the other hand, is still not a morning person. Some mornings are better than others. A highlight of my day is waving to Maddy out the window on her way to the bus stop. This is something Jeff and I have done for the last couple of years and as the years go by, I appreciate it more every day. I know the day will come where she will not feel comfortable having her friends seeing her wave back to us, so while it is still "cool", I'm going to enjoy every day of it I can get.
• Jake is developing quite a "dry" sense of humor that is thick with sarcasm. He can bring a smile to my face at the most unlikely times.
• November was a crazy month for us. My Grandpa Stewart (David) died right before Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, his funeral was on Jake's 14th birthday. This was a difficult day because it brought back alot of memories of my mom. I also had to speak at the funeral in place of my sister, which was not fun. We did our best to make it a good day for Jake, though. Fun with friends made up for it that night.
• Maddy made the Clytie Adams Nutcracker again! She was a Cookie this year and enjoyed every minute. It's a ton of work (for both me & Maddy) the week before Thanksgiving but seeing her smile makes it all worth it.
• Jake got a PlayStation 3 for his birthday. According to him, it has changed his life.
• Jake was ordained a Teacher at church. Where does the time go? I swear he was just barely made a Deacon.
• Our building got a new tenant, Bandidos. It is a Mexican restaurant, with wonderful people running it. We feel very blessed that there was not a lapse between tenants.

As you can see, we are very blessed. Although days can get crazy and certain seasons of life can seem long, it is always humbling to look back and count our blessings. Although some days are exhausting with working full-time, carpools, cooking, cleaning, laundry, church work, and constant, non-stop emails, I am so thankful that I am a wife and a Mother. There is NOTHING a would rather be. At the end of the day, it is all made worth it by those little (or big) arms wrapping around me (I still force Jake to give me hugs sometimes) and hearing the words "I love you." I just pray I can be worthy of their unconditional love.

Cookie Monster

Okay, this is kind of embarrassing but I just had to post this picture of my chocolate chip cookies that I made with Jake and Maddy the other night. While this is an insanely simple task for most people, it was near the impossible for me. Although my chocolate chip cookies from the past have tasted good (which in my defense, is the most important part), I have never been able to make them so they don't go totally flat with chocolate chip lumps sticking out the tops. Not very attractive. But since chocolate is a quest for me, I have not given up. This new recipe my friend gave me seemed to do the trick! After 40 years, I think I have finally found a recipe that will allow me to share cookies with friends and neighbors. Who knows? Maybe it was just my kid's touch? Either way, I just had to share.